Miguel Sanchez: Quote Machine

Over spring break, I had the pleasure of spending five days with my mother, Slater Broaddus, and Miguel Sanchez on a road trip to Death Valley. As you can imagine, it was quite eventful. We hiked, we swam, we got sunburned; but there was one thing that stood out: Mr. Miguel Sanchez.

Now, I have been friends with Miguel since we were sophomores (he tried really hard to be my friend when we were freshman, but I wouldn't have it). I have spent countless nights at his house, staying up late and crying to crappy chick flicks. But Miguel showed a side of himself that I was never aware of on this trip: his infinite wisdom--astonishing, I know. But trust me, it is there, and I have the facts to prove it.
(Note: What you are about to read are direct quotes from Miguel Sanchez himself. They are written exactly as said, hence why they make little sense.

During the trip, Miguel managed to pass along many of his worldly views and philosophies, and we are all better for it. He taught us about the reason for our temptation:

"The devil tempts in mysterious ways."


He taught us the virtue of patience:

"Good things come in patience, like me: I want to lose my virginity on my wedding night."


He demonstrated what excitement should look like:

"I'm like a kid in a candy store!" (While in a candy store).

He presented new takes on old phrases:

"Words and sticks may break my bones but...something, something, something."

And so much more (seriously):

"The lord can't make us have two miserable days."


"I'm just gonna wait till my parents die, ya know? Get their money."


"Why would horses and donkeys be having babies?"


He also gave some much needed advice over the course of the trip. While we were stopped in Reno, Nevada (never go there, seriously), we were leaving a McDonald's as an old women was coming in with a cigarette in her hand. Never missing an opportunity to spread his good will to others, Miguel politely prompted the woman to, "Smoke that!" The woman looked somewhat baffled as she turn to respond with, "I intend to, Jackass!" Alas, some people will never be able to truly understand the genius that Miguel possesses (especially not in Reno).

In an attempt free us from the ignorance that we were trapped in, he also provided his travelling crew with some assistance:

"You know they don't wash the top sheet. Do you know how many people have sex on there!?"


"Be a home-wrecker. That's what I want to do before I am 30."


Seeing as Miguel is also is a man of the world, he provided insight into the current social affairs, most notably as we stumbled into a dirty hotel room and he exclaimed, "Turn on the news, I want to see if Lybia blew up yet."


Other notable worldly quotes were:


"Have you heard of Sharlie Sheen!?" 


"The Lord is punishing Tiger Woods for adultery."


Now, it is obvious that Miguel is a man of wisdom, which makes one wonder where it all came from. Thankfully, Miguel was also not short on quotes revealing his haunting past. He let us know about life as a child:

"When I was little, I had 22 pigeons."


"When I would get in trouble, my timeout was the bath tub."


"I'll find my way back, just like my pigeons!"


"I have a black uncle, so I can say the 'N' word."


"I hate hawks, they are the ones who killed my pigeons."


He told us about his love life:

"I want to be single till I'm about 30."


"I could never get with your sister. She is the fish that ran away." 


"Honestly, I think I need surgery to make my nipples smaller."


"I am a germiphobe because I don't want herpes."


"I had a black fetish for awhile."


But perhaps the most important quote was one that explained the reason he was able to make the rest of them; the reason why we possesses that God like aura, and it is as simple as...

"My dad might not have gave me good looks, but he gave me something right...smarts."


And that is what I will leave you with. You are now a better informed and a more well rounded person for reading. And it is all thanks to a man of wisdom, thought, and verbosity. His name is Miguel Sanchez.