Be My Valentine?

This is Jack Hill

Know Him

Jack Hill is 19. Jack Hill has never had a Valentine. Here is why Jack Hill deserves one:

• Jack Hill is charming when he wants to be (which isn't often)
• Jack Hill graduated from high school (just don't ask about his grades)
• Jack Hill is a licensed driver (though he currently has no car)
• Jack Hill loves his Mother (seriously, she's a wonderful woman)
• Jack Hill showers twice a day (and maintains a very healthy shampoo/conditioner balance)
• Jack Hill recently learned how to peel a banana (so you don't have to)
• Jack Hill loves candy and flowers (gifting is easy!)
• Jack Hill writes great letters (though he typically forgets to send them)
• Jack Hill is great with children (as long as they don't ask him to feed them)
• Jack Hill just wants love (just don't ask him to return it)

Now you know why Jack Hill deserves to be your Valentine. Tell him why you deserve to be his. The girl (or person, don't be shy, boys) who lists the most sincere (or ridiculous) response gets to be Jack Hill's Valentine for tomorrow. Alternatively, let me know why I should never have a Valentine for the rest of my life. It's your choice: write away.

Losing Friends for Fun

I don't know what it is about removing things from my life that I enjoy so much (maybe it's to counteract all of the girls that have removed me from theirs). Deletion is just fun. In the past week I have deleted over a thousand songs on iTunes and unfollowed some 40 people on Twitter; I regret none of it (though parting with Spice Girls' Wannabe wasn't one of the easier things I ever done). The internet age is allowing me to callously slip away from other people's lives (social networking lives, albeit) without them even knowing I'm gone. Never before has it been easier to obtain and maintain a fake friendship (high school girls, rejoice!), and I love it.

On top of this, I have unsubscribed from a countless number of Facebook friends. Unsubscribing is an unparalleled power; you retain a friend - they still see everything you post - but are never bothered with the friend's posts again and they'll be as unaware of this as I am about how much my blog sucks. Sometimes I'll find myself scrolling down my newsfeed for hours (thumbs up for hyperbole) tearing through profiles and realizing how little I care to see what some people have to say (unless you are attractive--then what you have to say is irrelevant), in which case I put the unsubscribe button to work. Often my reasoning for distancing myself is just (if you get 30 plus likes for posting some ludicrous statement on how boys will never love you but your cats will, then you're gone), but occasionally I get slightly carried away (if you ever offended me in elementary school, watch your back; I was sensitive then). I can find a reason to unsubscribe from anyone (don't think I'm joking, Mom!). Maybe I'll feel differently when my newsfeed consists solely of posts from my sister and the profile I made for my dog (keep on truckin', Baxter!). Until then, I'll keep unsubscribing until my real life friends go away too. It shouldn't be too long.

Now that you know the ropes on how to be a one sided friend, I have no doubt that you'll use these tools so that you never have to read anything I write again (more power to you). It's crucial that you understand the ins and outs of social networking (such as learning what symbols make a penis) before the machines take over and we all becomes slaves of the Matrix (I bet Keanu Reeves can grasp the importance of hashtagging "realtalk").

The end is near.