Tinder: Dating, Virtually

Have you ever seen a commercial for eHarmony or Match.com and thought, "A website that assesses my compatibility with other singles and offers the potential for lasting relationships is brilliant--it's the future of dating"? Maybe you haven't. In fact, I would venture to guess that you definitely haven't. A more typical response to online dating tends to go something like this: "Who finds relationships online?! I would never do that! I am too confident, independent, and altogether charming to need dating sites! They're for the weak! And I'm not weak! I'm not!"

There is a scene in "The Social Network" where Mark Zuckerburg has an epiphany and decides to include relationship status as a feature on Facebook profiles. While the scene comes off as somewhat forced, it introduces several enduring themes of the social networking age: the lack of social privacy (everyone wants to know everything about everyone else), our interest in other's dating lives (learning whether or not you're single is more important than learning your name), and our ever-increasing tendency to use the internet to further our romantic lives (because if the internet can allow me to listen to anything, read about anything, and watch anything all at the same time, it might as well get me a girlfriend too, right?). Facebook isn't eHarmony, but maybe the distinction isn't all that significant.

Facebook was (and is) a conglomeration of ideas that hinted at what social networking could (and would) become. And as social networking outlets have continued to become more and more specified (Twitter for worthless comments, Instagram for slightly less worthless photos, Pinterest for an excuse to do something other than watching TV, Snapchat for when you've ran out of ANYTHING else to do), it was only a matter of time before a dating app exploded onto the scene--enter Tinder.

Tinder is an iPhone app that "finds out who likes you nearby, and connects you with them if you're also interested" (according to their website).  It allows users to create a profile based on their Facebook photos (pick them wisely) and bio (which will likely go unread). Users then select what gender they are searching for, the maximum distance of the search radius, and the minimum and maximum age of potential matches (the minimum age is 18--sorry, Miguel). After these preferences are defined, users are shown the profiles of other users who fit their criteria, and they can then select either to "like" or "pass" on each profile.

Now, what makes Tinder so appealing is its relative secrecy; users are only notified that someone has liked their profile if they have liked that person's profile in return. So, anonymity is maintained unless the liking is mutual. It's an addictive concept that promises no hurt feelings, no commitment, and no risk (unless you don't get any matches; then your feelings might be hurt). Dating purists (do those exist?) might scoff at the idea, but why? Is avoiding potential rejection wrong? (No! Rejection sucks!) Is there something to be gained by chasing romance where it might not be? (Rejection! That is the only thing to be gained!)

So what if Tinder is impersonal? So what if it is based almost solely on looks? I just want to find a girl without acting like I want to find a girl. Is that so crazy? (No, it's not crazy; that preceding sentence makes a ton of sense.)

Maybe the dating landscape is changing (and by maybe I mean definitely). Maybe those who dismissed eHarmony as a service for the socially inept will find themselves turning to the internet for romance (or find themselves single). For now, Tinder acts as an intermediate service for young adults, too playful and stripped down to mimic dating sites, but too viable to be cast off as just a fad. Whether your future spouse is to be found on Tinder (that premise deserves an offbeat romantic comedy!), or you are simply looking for conversation, the app is worth some of your time. Who knows? You just might be contributing to the future of dating as we know it. (It would be kind of weird if you were, though.)

Be My Valentine?

This is Jack Hill

Know Him

Jack Hill is 19. Jack Hill has never had a Valentine. Here is why Jack Hill deserves one:

• Jack Hill is charming when he wants to be (which isn't often)
• Jack Hill graduated from high school (just don't ask about his grades)
• Jack Hill is a licensed driver (though he currently has no car)
• Jack Hill loves his Mother (seriously, she's a wonderful woman)
• Jack Hill showers twice a day (and maintains a very healthy shampoo/conditioner balance)
• Jack Hill recently learned how to peel a banana (so you don't have to)
• Jack Hill loves candy and flowers (gifting is easy!)
• Jack Hill writes great letters (though he typically forgets to send them)
• Jack Hill is great with children (as long as they don't ask him to feed them)
• Jack Hill just wants love (just don't ask him to return it)

Now you know why Jack Hill deserves to be your Valentine. Tell him why you deserve to be his. The girl (or person, don't be shy, boys) who lists the most sincere (or ridiculous) response gets to be Jack Hill's Valentine for tomorrow. Alternatively, let me know why I should never have a Valentine for the rest of my life. It's your choice: write away.

Losing Friends for Fun

I don't know what it is about removing things from my life that I enjoy so much (maybe it's to counteract all of the girls that have removed me from theirs). Deletion is just fun. In the past week I have deleted over a thousand songs on iTunes and unfollowed some 40 people on Twitter; I regret none of it (though parting with Spice Girls' Wannabe wasn't one of the easier things I ever done). The internet age is allowing me to callously slip away from other people's lives (social networking lives, albeit) without them even knowing I'm gone. Never before has it been easier to obtain and maintain a fake friendship (high school girls, rejoice!), and I love it.

On top of this, I have unsubscribed from a countless number of Facebook friends. Unsubscribing is an unparalleled power; you retain a friend - they still see everything you post - but are never bothered with the friend's posts again and they'll be as unaware of this as I am about how much my blog sucks. Sometimes I'll find myself scrolling down my newsfeed for hours (thumbs up for hyperbole) tearing through profiles and realizing how little I care to see what some people have to say (unless you are attractive--then what you have to say is irrelevant), in which case I put the unsubscribe button to work. Often my reasoning for distancing myself is just (if you get 30 plus likes for posting some ludicrous statement on how boys will never love you but your cats will, then you're gone), but occasionally I get slightly carried away (if you ever offended me in elementary school, watch your back; I was sensitive then). I can find a reason to unsubscribe from anyone (don't think I'm joking, Mom!). Maybe I'll feel differently when my newsfeed consists solely of posts from my sister and the profile I made for my dog (keep on truckin', Baxter!). Until then, I'll keep unsubscribing until my real life friends go away too. It shouldn't be too long.

Now that you know the ropes on how to be a one sided friend, I have no doubt that you'll use these tools so that you never have to read anything I write again (more power to you). It's crucial that you understand the ins and outs of social networking (such as learning what symbols make a penis) before the machines take over and we all becomes slaves of the Matrix (I bet Keanu Reeves can grasp the importance of hashtagging "realtalk").

The end is near.

Miguel Sanchez: Quote Machine

Over spring break, I had the pleasure of spending five days with my mother, Slater Broaddus, and Miguel Sanchez on a road trip to Death Valley. As you can imagine, it was quite eventful. We hiked, we swam, we got sunburned; but there was one thing that stood out: Mr. Miguel Sanchez.

Now, I have been friends with Miguel since we were sophomores (he tried really hard to be my friend when we were freshman, but I wouldn't have it). I have spent countless nights at his house, staying up late and crying to crappy chick flicks. But Miguel showed a side of himself that I was never aware of on this trip: his infinite wisdom--astonishing, I know. But trust me, it is there, and I have the facts to prove it.
(Note: What you are about to read are direct quotes from Miguel Sanchez himself. They are written exactly as said, hence why they make little sense.

During the trip, Miguel managed to pass along many of his worldly views and philosophies, and we are all better for it. He taught us about the reason for our temptation:

"The devil tempts in mysterious ways."


He taught us the virtue of patience:

"Good things come in patience, like me: I want to lose my virginity on my wedding night."


He demonstrated what excitement should look like:

"I'm like a kid in a candy store!" (While in a candy store).

He presented new takes on old phrases:

"Words and sticks may break my bones but...something, something, something."

And so much more (seriously):

"The lord can't make us have two miserable days."


"I'm just gonna wait till my parents die, ya know? Get their money."


"Why would horses and donkeys be having babies?"


He also gave some much needed advice over the course of the trip. While we were stopped in Reno, Nevada (never go there, seriously), we were leaving a McDonald's as an old women was coming in with a cigarette in her hand. Never missing an opportunity to spread his good will to others, Miguel politely prompted the woman to, "Smoke that!" The woman looked somewhat baffled as she turn to respond with, "I intend to, Jackass!" Alas, some people will never be able to truly understand the genius that Miguel possesses (especially not in Reno).

In an attempt free us from the ignorance that we were trapped in, he also provided his travelling crew with some assistance:

"You know they don't wash the top sheet. Do you know how many people have sex on there!?"


"Be a home-wrecker. That's what I want to do before I am 30."


Seeing as Miguel is also is a man of the world, he provided insight into the current social affairs, most notably as we stumbled into a dirty hotel room and he exclaimed, "Turn on the news, I want to see if Lybia blew up yet."


Other notable worldly quotes were:


"Have you heard of Sharlie Sheen!?" 


"The Lord is punishing Tiger Woods for adultery."


Now, it is obvious that Miguel is a man of wisdom, which makes one wonder where it all came from. Thankfully, Miguel was also not short on quotes revealing his haunting past. He let us know about life as a child:

"When I was little, I had 22 pigeons."


"When I would get in trouble, my timeout was the bath tub."


"I'll find my way back, just like my pigeons!"


"I have a black uncle, so I can say the 'N' word."


"I hate hawks, they are the ones who killed my pigeons."


He told us about his love life:

"I want to be single till I'm about 30."


"I could never get with your sister. She is the fish that ran away." 


"Honestly, I think I need surgery to make my nipples smaller."


"I am a germiphobe because I don't want herpes."


"I had a black fetish for awhile."


But perhaps the most important quote was one that explained the reason he was able to make the rest of them; the reason why we possesses that God like aura, and it is as simple as...

"My dad might not have gave me good looks, but he gave me something right...smarts."


And that is what I will leave you with. You are now a better informed and a more well rounded person for reading. And it is all thanks to a man of wisdom, thought, and verbosity. His name is Miguel Sanchez.